I dont even know what to title this

       At the moment, I am sitting in a chair annoyed because I have a freakish amount of pent up energy that I cant do anything about. (I would start bouncing up and down in my chair, but then I will get a bigger headache and/or panic attack.)My legs have been really weak lately, and four days ago began to be unable to support my weight. (Though in my legs's* defense, 175lbs is probably not easy to keep upright when they are filled with Lyme bacteria. Or at all.)**

*Seriously, is there a possessive plural for the word leg?? Because if its not "legs's" I dont know what it is.
**this paragraph has nothing to do with this whole thing except for the leg part which is important

   It hit me yesterday that I will never know what it is like to have a normal childhood. I mean, I will be 18 in May and I barely ever leave the house.
Not cause I don't want to (which sometimes is the case because I am slightly terrified of people) but because I honestly have a hard time getting out of bed. Even writing about this, I am having a hard time not wallowing in self pity.

[Please note, I try very hard to not wallow in pity. Not only is it selfish, but wallowing is a fairly gross and muddy thing to do. Unless you are a pig in mud, then I am sure its fabulous]

        

But the more I pretend to people I am alright, the harder it is to stay happy. I spend so much energy smiling and being chipper and trying to make it look like I am okay, that I end up sobbing and sleeping for hours.

  I get so frustrated with people for thinking I am not really sick, or that I am exaggerating. A guy at church (we will call him Sted [I couldn't decide between Steve or Fred] ) always asks me how I am. 

Sted: Good morning Rowan. Are you feeling better then you were last week?

Me: Nope! How are you?

[This is my customary response. I say nope, with a smile and then finish with "But I'm still standing" -which is funny cause right now I can't actually stand-]

Sted: Nooooopeee 

When he says "nooope" he laughes, pinches my cheeks and then pats my shoulder like it is some inside joke between us. 

I was really really bothered by this; but then I realized something.

 If I keep pretending to everyone like I am okay, never letting anyone see past my shield, Its not their fault that they don't think I am being serious. I can't get mad at people for seeing a healthy looking girl who is always smiling and saying she is fine and shrugging things off and assuming she is indeed fine.

In a way, I have been lying to myself. By pretending to everyone that I am okay, I delude myself into a horrid line of thinking.

 That Maybe if I pretend that I am okay, it will all just disappear and I will be healthy again.  

And that is probably why I have been getting so many panic attacks and mental breakdowns.

 A person is not meant to hide who they are from everyone around them. {Unless you are a spy.)

 Yeah, by letting on about how bad off I am I might lose a few friends. But that is okay becase honestly? I don't know that I would want to deal with me if I was in their place. But in the long run, I would lose more friends by pretending I am okay, and resent them for believing me.

  It was a broken kind of logic anyway. One that came back to bite me in the butt. I have lost the ability to walk much and I have to literally drag myself up stairs.  I have spent all these years acting like I am fine, and now I can't hide it anymore.(It is tragically ironic though that I can't walk or stand because I have been saying "Hey, Im standing" instead of saying I'm fine.)

    As I write this, I realized something. Part of the reason I am cried myself to sleep about being unable to walk [granted a small part, but a part none the less] was because I am vain.

 I was too vain to want people to see how ill I am. 

Honestly, this not walking thing is one of the lesser problems that I have. 

But it is one of the only visible ones. 

People can't see my inner panic attacks, or my depression.

They can't see any of the long list of things that hurt all over my body. 

They don't know that when I mess up a sentence, its because I can't figure out what word I meant.

Or that I am quiet because I honest to goodness can not manage to form a legitimate sentence.

But having to use crutches and wince in pain while going up stairs and having my legs buckle under me? That is terrifyingly noticeable. 

Having to ask people for help scares me. And that needs to change.

Its a love/hate relationship.

Fashion. You have probably heard that word. Sometimes uttered in disgust, sometimes in sheer delight. However, fashion sometimes is not always so simple as it seems.  I believe that it differs greatly depending on the person considering it.

Modern, Chic, Retro, Vintage, Grunge, Drab, Classic. All words that mean one thing…fashion! Fashion does not have to be all runway glitz and glamour. It can be as simple as spending those extra five minutes (Okay lets be honest, 10 minutes) to find your lucky tights, get that last strand of hair right, and clasp on a necklace. Fashion can be meant to stand out from the crowd or blend in with style.

            My sense of fashion is what most call eclectic. I will readily admit sometimes it looks amazing and sometimes it’s a major fashion fail! But hey, if you don’t try it how will you know? Some people say you cannot wear a corset anymore, but others are incorporating it more and more into their clothing. Just the other day I wore a A-line red short sleeved dress with a black silver clasped corset over top! Toss on some chic silver bling and a pair of black heals and bam, your very own fashion show. We all have those moments in our bedrooms where we try on random outfits that we would never show anyone! Don’t be afraid to experiment with your closet. (No one has to know you tried a blouse, skirt, and toe socks.)

            Long rant short, don’t be afraid of fashion! If you are into going to fashion shows and trying out every style, that is awesome. If you are into checking out peoples outfits while out and about and silently criticizing the mannequins in shop windows, that’s cool too! Both are fashion! And even if you are the most fashion conscious person in the world, we all have our “comfy clothes” that we don’t want anyone to see.  Perhaps its not quite glamorous, but not everything has to be. As long as you don’t end up on “People Of Walmart” you are fine!

Belated Thankfulness

Here I am. It is almost 2am. And I realized I did not even once think about what I am thankful for all day.
(Apologies for bad writing. Words dont form well in my head lately. I need to go back on Lyme medication)

    Lately I have been so sick that it is hard for me to remember what I am thankful for. All the good in life is sometimes hidden by pain. I guess I will just have to work harder to see through it to the good.

I am thankful that all of the pain I have gone through (and am in_ has made me more perceptive to others needs and emotions.

I am thankful "Once [I] feel the wait of glory, all [my] pain will fade to memory"

I am thankful that even though my family knows they cannot understand my dealings with Lyme disease, they still try.

I am thankful that I have a boyfriend who can stand helping me through this.

I am thankful for friends who understand when I have to cancel things because of my health.

I am thankful for my bunny rabbit Charlie, who helps me avoid my depression.

I am thankful that, even though almost every day at my work is painful and hard to get through, it is worth it. My coworkers are awesome, and it is good for me(hopefully) to be out of the house.

I am thankful for tea, and its helpfulness for both headaches and mood.

I am thankful that some people don't freak out over my sickness issues and help me laugh my way through it (Like when I was convulsing badly and when I said it happens occasionally, please don't make it a big deal and my boyfriend just pretended that I was dancing badly and started dancing badly too)

But mostly I am thankful for a God that I can rely on. Who I know will give me strength to push through if I ask it of him. Who fills me with hope and mercy at every turn, if only I open my heart to him.
 I am thankful that even when I am at my most sulky, hate every one, sarcastic moods and I do not want to ask God to help me alter my mood, I do anyway. And then all the hate and venom in my thoughts go away and allow me to be kind and helpful to others.
Even when I literally do not have the words to ask God for help, when I cant figure out how to put words into a sentence, that He knows my heart, and though he does not heal me, he gives me the strength to forge on. 


Before The Morning---Josh Wilson (Song. LISTEN!!)