Mountah Ash's Musings

The musings of a chronically ill girl named after a tree.

(Comments are virtual hugs. Please leave me some.)

Friday, November 29, 2013

Belated Thankfulness

Here I am. It is almost 2am. And I realized I did not even once think about what I am thankful for all day.
(Apologies for bad writing. Words dont form well in my head lately. I need to go back on Lyme medication)

    Lately I have been so sick that it is hard for me to remember what I am thankful for. All the good in life is sometimes hidden by pain. I guess I will just have to work harder to see through it to the good.

I am thankful that all of the pain I have gone through (and am in_ has made me more perceptive to others needs and emotions.

I am thankful "Once [I] feel the wait of glory, all [my] pain will fade to memory"

I am thankful that even though my family knows they cannot understand my dealings with Lyme disease, they still try.

I am thankful that I have a boyfriend who can stand helping me through this.

I am thankful for friends who understand when I have to cancel things because of my health.

I am thankful for my bunny rabbit Charlie, who helps me avoid my depression.

I am thankful that, even though almost every day at my work is painful and hard to get through, it is worth it. My coworkers are awesome, and it is good for me(hopefully) to be out of the house.

I am thankful for tea, and its helpfulness for both headaches and mood.

I am thankful that some people don't freak out over my sickness issues and help me laugh my way through it (Like when I was convulsing badly and when I said it happens occasionally, please don't make it a big deal and my boyfriend just pretended that I was dancing badly and started dancing badly too)

But mostly I am thankful for a God that I can rely on. Who I know will give me strength to push through if I ask it of him. Who fills me with hope and mercy at every turn, if only I open my heart to him.
 I am thankful that even when I am at my most sulky, hate every one, sarcastic moods and I do not want to ask God to help me alter my mood, I do anyway. And then all the hate and venom in my thoughts go away and allow me to be kind and helpful to others.
Even when I literally do not have the words to ask God for help, when I cant figure out how to put words into a sentence, that He knows my heart, and though he does not heal me, he gives me the strength to forge on. 

Before The Morning---Josh Wilson (Song. LISTEN!!)

Wednesday, April 10, 2013

Hello. My name is Rowan. I am a plant addict.

So, recently I've started working at Mahoney's Garden Center in Falmouth.
It is an amazing place, and I had wanted to work there for a few years now.

In short, I adore it. Its calm and relaxing even when we are really busy. Between the lovely flowers and the birds chirping, its like a heaven. A really busy, sweaty heaven.

(I was worried about having a job with my Lyme disease, but my Panic attacks and Anxiety attacks have not even been a problem there, which is amazing.)

However, all jobs have their little problems. This one is more of a my problem then the job.
See, the problem with working at a Garden Center, is almost every plant I see, I want.  I have literally been counting down the days till I get payed, JUST so I can then go and buy plants and seeds. 

I have a feeling that most of the money I make will be spent there. Aaand I am okay with that. 

Hello. My name is Rowan. I am a plant addict. 

You might say "Oh no, You are not an addict. You just like plants!"

Ohhhho hoo! Well you my dear, would be wrong. 

I have a whole list of seeds that I want for an herb garden. And the list is pretty much every herb that can be grown on Cape Cod. 

I also have a whole list of plants that I would like to get. (Mostly Perennials) 

Not only that, but I have been planning for a Grape Arbor. 
I also want to get Roses, Lilacs, and a Bay Laurel. 

I would say "OH SOMEONE HELP ME"

But I really dont want to be helped. I ADORE plants. 

THEN. Then I realized that I will, one day, move out of my Parent's house (Hopefully!!) and it will be hard to bring all of them with me. Some plants dont like to be transplanted. Also, Mom might not want to let them go.


*Sighhhhh* I blame my dear Nana in full for my addiction to plants. She keeps the most amazing gardens that I have been enamored with since I was very little. 

Also, MaTante Rebecca loved her gardens so very much. 

Between those two amazing women, my addiction to plants has no cure.

And I can not thank them enough for that! 

Oh hey. I have to leave for work in an hour.
I guess that is the end of my post!


Thursday, March 21, 2013

Invisible Illnesses

   Hey guys...I know I have not posted in a while. I have had a lot of things on my mind. Yes, that is a stupid excuse.

 Perhaps I should apologize ahead of time for what is about to be written. 

     Not because it is offensive. 

Not even because it might be hard to understand because my brain isnt working well today.
 No, I am apologizing because I should have written something like this a while ago.

      If you have read my blog before, you might have heard me mention my Lyme Disease. However, I don't think I mentioned just how horrid it can be. 

I am not complaining, dont get me wrong. But I want you all to know.

   There are so many diseases out there, that are underestimated, or even almost unknown. And on the outside, you look perfectly fine. But did you realize that on the inside, they are falling apart? 

  I have Chronic Lyme disease.
  I suffer from fairly bad depression. 

  Before I was on medication, I had anxiety and panic attacks almost 4 times a week, just around the house and at church. 

Maybe the depression and stuff comes with the Lyme, and maybe it is a result of the Lyme. Either way, they go hand in hand now.

As if that werent bad enough, I have Pain Amplification Syndrome.
That is because having Lyme for so long broke my system. A pain level of 2 for other people, would probably be about an 8 for me.

 However, this also works against me sometimes. Occasionally it flips around and I will injure myself, and not notice im bleeding until a while later. 

  In spite of all this, or perhaps because of it, I have been able to relate to people a lot more. I can see the flash of pain in peoples eyes, that only lasts a second. Where before I would smile at them, and walk away. But now I force myself to go up to that person, and even if I have never met them, ask them if they are okay, and compliment them on something.

I would never wish all this on someone else.
      But I also am glad I have an odd way. 

  I have become a lot more sensitive to other peoples needs. Sad to say, I used to be pretty self centered. All of the stuff I am going through has taught me to read people better, and I have been able to relate and help a lot of people with what they are going through.

But there is a problem in this world with people thinking that if someone looks healthy, they are healthy. I wish that were true. 

I get very angry when people say Depression is not real. My own sister believes that it is not a real thing. I used to just shrug when people said that. But I am done sitting on the sidelines.
True, some people who say they have depression are overreacting.
But then there are those people who really do have depression.
Dont you DARE tell them that depression is a sin. 

And you had damn well better not tell them to "get over it"

All those things do is make it so much worse.

Perhaps you might think "Oh well you look happy enough"

But keep that in your head. Please, dont say it out loud.  Because that person who looks so happy? They goe home, and sit on their bed, and cry. There might not even be a particular thing wrong. You just lay there, crying. Unable to stop. 
Or worse, lay there, just feeling numb. 

Some people with depression, or otherwise, find self harm a release. 
I have heard people say that cutting is a cry for attention. 
May I just say, you have no clue how false that is.
Oh sure, some people do do it as a cry for attention.
But some do it, because it honestly helps.

No, it is not the best thing to do. 
No, it may not be the smartest thing to do.
But it honest to goodness helps. 

I know this, because I have a problem with cutting. I have managed to not do it often, but it is a problem for me. 
So here I am saying dont you DARE tell people to knock it off, or to stop being dramatic.
Cutting releases chemicals in your brain that makes things better. For a while at least.
And its not always when someone is really upset either. I actually have the hardest time not cutting when I am just sitting there on my bed feeling numb. Because it makes you feel SOMETHING.

Perhaps the reason I find it so hard to tell anyone about all this is because I am terrified people will feel bad for me.

 Dont feel bad for me. Dont feel bad for anyone struggling.
Help them. Show them kindness and grace.

I pray for everyone who has any of the"Invisable illnesses.

They are horrid.
People think you are crazy.

And people look down on you.

Please, pray for these people. Help me raise awareness for all of these lesser known things. Dont take it lightly.

I wont say things like "Oh share this on facebook to heal" or crap like that. But just keep this information in your head, and in your hearts. Do reaserch of your own.

Thank you for reading this.

God Bless.