Mountah Ash's Musings

The musings of a chronically ill girl named after a tree.

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Friday, January 23, 2015

God still speaks

I have heard so many people say that God does not talk to people anymore.

Its impossible to describe, but I know that that is not true.

Its weird, but since I got sick, I feel so much closer to God. Maybe that's because I have had to rely on him so much more.

 I have been keeping something to myself, and for some reason, posted it as part of a comment unthinkingly in a Lyme Disease group. I'm kinda scared about the reactions I will get, but I decided I should post it here.

The night I am about to talk about, might have been at my sickest point. I could barely walk. Talking was difficult. My body was in constant debilitating pain. I wanted to die. I wanted it to end. I wasn't suicidal, but I wouldn't have been against death.

 One night, quite a few months ago now on a Sunday night, I was watching a movie with my family and my boyfriend's family at their house. It was about half way through the movie. I slowly got more and more tired. It was not a normal kind tired. I felt myself letting go. Before I closed my eyes, I managed to turn to Thomas and say "I love you". I held his hand. I turned my head away, and shed a few tears. I felt myself internally say goodbye. It was like a heavy blanket was covering me. This was the end. And it was okay.  Something felt off. But it wasn't worth paying attention to. 
Looking back on it, the blanket....was to heavy. Too inviting. It felt too good. Almost inciting. Inviting me to fall deeper into it.   

My heart rate slowed. My breath came in infrequent shallow breaths. My thoughts lessened.

And all of a sudden I heard something. I heard a voice. "No. Wake up. Do not sleep now". The darkness that was trying to surround me was snatched away, almost as if it was afraid. Running.
 I sat up with a shock. I sat quiet for a few seconds. And then I started sobbing.

It was the loudest thing I had ever heard.
It was soft and horrible it filled me with fear and awe and thanks and terror.
My whole being was shaken.

God had spoken into my soul.

He kept me from letting go.

He kept me from dying.

I can't even type this without crying and feeling so thankful, and so afraid.
If that was God speaking in his quietest whisper......

I spent that night until sunrise crying in Thomas' s arms.

People might read this and think that it was just my conscience, my anxiety getting the better of me.
I might think that too. But I have had my anxiety try to trick me.
This was something entirely different.
I had heard Gods voice I think twice before. Spoken much more softly, more of a touch then a word.
But this is something I can never forget, even if I tried.

My soul was shaken. 

1 comment:

  1. Thank you for writing this, Rowan. I, too, have been in this place, so close to death, but God also pulled me back to live another day. It wasn't Lyme, it was Hashimoto's hypothyroiditis, but no matter what the "condition," the darkness was very deep. I, too, heard God speak to me in that place of great suffering. He pulled me out of that miry pit and set my feet on solid ground. Since that time, I finished graduate school, worked, got married, and became the mother of three beautiful daughters, whom I am presently homeschooling. You are an amazing young woman, to have the ability to see life and to write the way you do, from your soul. I pray that you will, as you said in your final post on this blog, find out who you are, apart from any diagnosis or treatment. Go around the corner, Rowan. God is that way, too. In Christ, Sahamamama


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