Mountain Ash's Musings

Its hard sometimes. To wake up some mornings and know life will never be the same.  I get really upset about it sometimes.  I spend  the day depressed, but then I remember. Not only will i never be the same girl i was, i dont want to be. That girl had potential, but she was whiney and selfish.  Who I am now, is a totally different person. And that is okay.

I have almost always wanted to be in the medical field somehow. And this is preparing me for that. But dispite that, I still get waves. Waves of uncertainty. Sometimes, I wake up with them. Sometimes it happens when I am prepping my IV bag. I think to myself I am barely 18. I shouldnt have to know how to do this. I shouldnt have to be responsible for the tube going directly into my heart. If I make one mistake, it could cost me. Cost me my health, or possibly my life if I make a big mistake. And sometimes I dont get over that for a long while. But I remember this is my life, and there is nothing I can do about it. And there are two things I remember. I would never wish this on someone else, and I would never wish this had never happened.

Some people would and maybe will read that, and think wow, she just wants the attention. Maybe thats true sometimes. Maybe I do want the attention. But mostly I want attention, not for myself, but for my diseases and my illnesses. To bring to light exactly what Lyme, Bartonella, Babesia and Erlichia can do, alone and combined. The horrors they inflict on your body. How drasticly they change you.

 They say your diseases arent not you and that they dont make up who you are. But I think they do. They become a part of you. Some days I dont know if how I am reacting to something is me, or if it is my disease. They change you, and they make you a different person. Sometiems for the better. Sometimes not so much.

I hated who I was. I was not a good person. I made horrid mistakes at a young age, and I was barely sorry. I was losing who I was, I was losing my good relationship with some of my family and I was losing my relationship with God.

The sicker I got, the more I realized how wrong I was. People who dont know I am sick and havent seen me in years say something seems different. Something is different. I am a whole different person.

To be totally honest, sometimes I am afraid to be healthy. Iam afraid that if I get well, I will go back to being that person. That person who I hate. That person who I can rarely talk about. I want to be healthy. But I dont want to be her.

Sometimes it is possible to be scared but also at peace.
I will never be the same. And that is okay.